Posts Tagged ‘relationship’

Staying on Track

In the past few weeks, I’ve concentrated on my new job and maintaining relationships. I’ve found that I am not all that happy, and I believe I’m going through a bout of depression. There are various reasons, but I am looking into therapy and possibly getting on medication to help. It’s becoming increasingly hard to concentrate on positivity in my life, and I’d like to get a sense of security.

While medication might seem like I’m giving up to some, please know that medication helps and works in many cases. A few years back, I was on prozac and I was able to focus more on positive change in my life than negative habits. After six months, I stopped taking the prescription and I was able to live a happy life.

I am not going to force the doctor into medication, but I will definitely let him know that I am open to taking something and see what he or she has to offer. I hope to maintain the blog more often since I did it more for me than anyone else, though I hope it’s helped someone out there.

I am working towards getting my life settled in so many areas: mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual. It will take time, patience, and resolve. Thanks for anyone reading.


The Weapon of Love

People across the country are furious with our current state of affairs and how our government handles certain issues. Particularly for me, although I’m concerned with a number of things, I concentrate on equal rights for the GLBT community. It affects me deeply being a gay man in today’s society, and certain government officials are making it hard to feel like an equal citizen of the United States.

Recently, comedian Tracy Morgan performed an act in which he said he would stab his son if he ever told his dad he was gay. Immediately, the gay community took to the Internet and blasted Morgan for his outrageous comment, as they should. Tracy came back a few days later explaining he messed up and wanted to make it right by protesting with the gays at rallies and functions to promote equal rights.

Personally, I will believe it when I see it, but I am open to letting Morgan attend rallies to show support. Part of me understands he is a celebrity on a hit show whose ratings could rapidly decrease because of his obscene comment. However, I am optimistic in believing Tracy had a rude awakening and he isn’t wanting to simply “save face”, but he’s actually wanting to make it right.

My life has been riddled with mistakes I wish I could take back, but I learned from them. I learned to become a better person by realizing I am not always right in what I say and do. So, why can’t Tracy be given the same chance?

A recent advocate for GetEqual, a year old group doing tons of great work towards the fight for GLBT equality, claimed he was done with Tracy Morgan completely. The man made a horrible comment and the advocate wasn’t willing to forgive Tracy.

If we continue to push aside the people willing to learn and grow and become better people, the fight for equal rights will be hindered. Even if we win, we will not become better people by throwing these people aside. I grew up not being given a chance by the majority because they said I wasn’t equal. I will not do the same to someone wanting to change and grow and learn from their mistakes. I’d rather be the accepting, loving person I know that I am.

Of course, this brings me to a well-known saying: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” However, if we use love as our weapon and shield, we will show compassion and understanding towards those opposed to us. We will not become like them. We will be better and feel better about ourselves without feeling hurt by their actions. After all, haven’t any of us been there before: making mistakes and wanting to fix them?

Below, I am sharing a video of former KKK clan leader Johnny Lee Clary and his story about how one black man changed Johnny’s view simply by showing love. If he can change the heart of the KKK clan leader, who says we can’t do the same with those against us?

Born This Way

Today, in the Mandala, it spoke about the limitations religion and education place on our minds as children. Through our lives, starting with our parents, we learn to believe “we are not sufficient as we are” and we are not “whole”. Education and religion continue these falsehoods by generalizing the way children need to learn and grow in school and community.

We’re already born with the innate ability to create and learn and understand. Instead of nourishing this yearning for discovery, the outside world crushes it in schools and churches because that’s the way it was taught to previous generations. It crushes creativity and self-expression. Even when we have spiritual experiences, we do not recognize the potential we have within ourselves which has created the experience. We, instead, credit outside forces such as God, Buddha, or Muhammad.

To me, this is fascinating because I found myself doing a lot of the things the Mandala already suggested I do, such as following the moral compass within me instead of the religious morality we’re taught in churches or at home. If I learned morality from anywhere, it was based upon experiences I went through as a child being teased and bashed by other people for being “not good enough”. Immediately, I knew I never wanted anyone else to feel the way I did as a child, and I tried staying open and accepting towards others.

Education standards are set by the government. I understand that it’s hard for a teacher to create an entire lesson plan around each individual child. However, we’ve learned in various ways this is how it has to be done. For example, we talk about being visual or audial learners and what works best for each person. Eventually, we have to mold to the way material is presented for us to understand. Unfortunately, we’re not taught this until we grow older. This one-size-fits-all attitude towards education cripples our innate being’s growth.

As for religion, I can’t help reverting back to when Christianity first came to existence. Was religion really used as a way to keep people from realizing the true power within ourselves? If you look at the definition of Satanism, it isn’t the belief of Satan or worshipping Satan. Satanism also means “a form of worship which includes blasphemous or obscene parodies of Christian prayers, etc.” Blasphemy can be anything from “I don’t believe in God” to “I am God”. To believe we have the power to change our life and live it the way we want can be seen as blasphemous to Christian followers. After all, throughout history, we’re taught to follow the standards in the Bible in order for God to love us and allow us into Heaven. So, what happens when you decide to follow the moral compass instilled within you instead of the one planned out in the Bible?

It’s hard for me to write this without feeling like I’m bashing my friends and family, firm believers of the Bible and God. I’m not, honestly. Still, I’ve learned in my life that God hasn’t granted anything upon me. I’m the one who has given myself all the things I have, and I’m not going to knock that up to “God’s work” because it’s been a long, hard journey, as it should be for me to grow and learn. And if there is a God, I think he or she would want us to realize the potential and power we have within ourselves to control our lives and be happy.

The thing we need to do, the only way to be who it is we already are, is realizing we’re “born this way”. It isn’t something to be taught or learned. It simply has to be realized within ourselves.

Who am I?

Who am I?

This question burns in all of us constantly, practically on an everyday basis. As seniors graduating, we go off to college to go find ourselves. During emotional events, we take time out to do some soul-searching. I believe firmly on self-reflection because it allows us to look at ourselves in the present moment. However, I have to ask “What are we looking for?”

In the Mandala, you learn to live in the present moment. As a part of the learning process, people realize they are not who they believed themselves to be. For example, I am not simply a homosexual writer. I am a being, a person with life. With each moment, depending on the situation, I am something else. People might look at me and say I’m laidback. During most moments, I may be laidback. I do lose my temper, however, especially during times of duress. Can I be considered laidback then? No.

Emotions are fluid, like water, and they can be calm and gentle depending on the environment. However, place them in a hectic environment and you’ll get a typhoon of feelings. Everything feels up when it’s down, black when it’s white, so forth and so on.

We use emotions to reflect back on a moment in time, which is why it’s important to understand how they’re fluid. If we see ourselves as independent successful people but something happens to disprove this, we become threatened and broken down by the event. We lose our sense of purpose and reasoning. However, if we saw ourselves as beings full of possibilities and expectations, we wouldn’t become disgruntled by threats to our egos.

In writing this passage, I feel I may not explain it correctly. I highly suggest you look into the Mandala of Being by Dr. Richard Moss. It’s helped me become better in touch with myself this past year. I am ever-learning and growing, and I am okay with never being the same person all the time.

The Appreciation for the Mandala

I’ve started rereading the Mandala of Being today. Simply, in the introduction alone, I am bombarded with rich pieces of information needed to stay in the present moment. Thanks to understanding the principle behind the Mandala, I was able to see things in the text I hadn’t before during my first round of reading.

As children, we live constantly in the present, which is why experiences and feelings are powerful to us. At the time, we were inept at confronting pain and suffering or negative occurrences without positive influences on how to show us. Instead of staying in the moment, we allowed our minds to remove ourselves from the negative experiences, and we displaced ourselves from the present. The survival technique became engraved in our mindset, and we’ve lived this way ever since.

Do you feel unhappy with your life? Have you ever thought back to moments as a child and said to yourself “Why can’t I live like I did then?” You can, but you have to undo the processes set up by your brain to allow yourself to stay in the present moment. Unfortunately, this means the end to your self as you know it.

The Mandala threatens the very essence of people’s identities, especially those wanting to be successful. We have to ask ourselves “What is my definition of success?” Is it fortune or fame? For myself, I will be successful by simply doing what I love: writing. Thanks to the Internet, I publish my work onto a website or via Kindle for exposure. My voice can be heard by millions by popularizing it through social media and marketing. However, I’m concentrating on the feelings of wholeness I have after finishing a project, or maintaining one such as this blog. I stay in the present, and I let go of the future. I’m positive and I have dreams, but I don’t allow my mind to be consumed in these thoughts on events that may or may not come true.

This principle can be used for all avenues of life besides success: relationships, careers, education, health, and so on. It isn’t easy coming out of the fog, as I like to put it, and seeing life with new eyes. It can be scary and unnerving. It’s been so long since we’ve seen or experienced the world so vividly. However, I think it’s time to confront our fear and become a more complete person.

Only the Strong Forgive

May 24, 2011 1 comment

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. – Mahatma Ghandi

After my horrible break up a few years back, I knew right away I couldn’t hold onto the grudges of the past. I took responsibility of my share of the problems in the relationship, and I moved on. At least, I tried. Thankfully, with my current boyfriend’s help, I found it easier to let go of residual feelings to move on. Of course, there came deeper, darker emotions and issues to deal with over time. I believe I’ve properly accepted these feelings in order to grow and continue my life journey in a healthy manner.

There was a moment last year where old feelings brewed into my life, and I began to wish horrible things upon my ex. For most people, this is “normal”. I knew, from the Mandala, this isn’t normal and it isn’t healthy. In order to go forward, I would need to forgive my ex and wish him the best in the world.

Day after day, the first thing I told myself in the morning was “I forgive him. I wish him all the success and happiness as I would wish upon myself.” Over time, the feelings of hatred and wishing bad things upon him grew farther apart until they practically vanished. Time to time, I get a pang in my heart, so I’ll close my eyes, take a deep breath, and say my chant.

A lot of people ask me why the break up still matters when it’s been close to two years. There are various reasons, but I know the first step in moving on is forgiveness. I feel better about myself, about the end, and about my ex. I don’t worry about him and his life and how happy he may or may not be without me. The “right” to know left when we broke up. With that, I learned to stop worrying about his life and began to start living mine.

I feel stronger, feel like I’m doing the right thing for me. How can you start forgiving someone?

What is the Speed of Dark?

My boyfriend and I went to our favorite Vietnamese place the other night, and we were given fortune cookies at the end of our meal. My fortune said “What is the speed of dark?” I wasn’t sure what it meant, but my boyfriend assured me I would find an answer to it soon enough. Well, Friday was the day.

In a matter of seconds, over a tiny argument the night before, everything fell apart. I let the worst of me get the best of me and my entire life felt ruined. I wanted to move back to Oklahoma and forget it all. This is the speed of dark. It happens in an instant and it leaves you cold. Light takes a moment to warm up for you to notice. With dark, however, it’s instantaneous. I felt like my life was over, all my hard work unappreciated, and I was a failure. Not because of my boyfriend, my family, friends, or school members. No, it was me.

My mind works incredibly fast at disrupting my entire life with bullshit, lies or excuses or misconceptions I thought were true. It puts words in other people’s mouth and makes them valid on some level with a memory I can’t even recall. All I remember was an emotion I felt, an emotion I didn’t handle. Instead, I pushed it away and, today, it returned to haunt me. This is the speed of dark.

At this point, the best thing to do is talk. For two hours, in the blazing sun, because today was thankfully a day full of sunshine, my boyfriend and I talked on the phone to help deal with whatever issues I was having. Being the amazing boyfriend he is, he dealt with me and my crazy. He’s not perfect, and he even admitted to it. He apologized for anything he believed he did wrong and I apologized for being a bitch.

We love each other, and we’ll continue to be together because that’s what we both want. At least, I know that’s what I want. But this is the speed of dark. How does one stop it? Learn to be honest with oneself and start reconditioning your mind to think positively instead of negatively. Deal with emotions as they come and process them properly. These are the tools you’ll need to keep as much “light” as possible to fight off the darkness.